1000 Waffle Turtles and more random USUK drabbles

1000 Waffle Turtles

America paced oddly back and forth. Buttery dread filled his heart. England should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my iridescent love, America thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. England had been taken hostage by Sparkly Leg, a super villain who had the city in a state of shiny terror. America fainted dead away, like a purple unicorn that needs to take a dump.

When he came to, there was a bump on his arm and the buttery dread had returned. "England, my ugly honey bunny," he cried out sexily. "What is Sparkly Leg doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing suggestively as he licked him in the face.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, America remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 waffle turtles, then whatever you wish for will come true.

America ordered in a supply of waffle and set to work, folding turtles until his arm was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last turtle when England walked in the front door.

"England!" America screamed and threw himself into England's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 waffle turtles and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing between Hungary's boobs. He kissed England magically on the face.

"Actually," England said, pulling away weirdly, "I was rescued by the Mexican Taco. He's a new superhero in town." England sighed. "And he's really purple."

The buttery dread came back. "But you're magical to be back here with me, right?"

England checked his watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Mexican Taco for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay orange, baby." He left and the door banged behind him.

America choked back a sob and started folding another turtle. Then he went out and got drunk instead.

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A Mexican Occurrence

America paced up and down, jiggling his leg. His very good friend, Mary Sue Egg, had arranged to meet him here between Hungary's boobs. "I have something orange to tell you," she had said.

Mary Sue Egg was late, which was very unlike her. Any moment now, America expected to see her bounce up, her buttery hair streaming behind her and her magical eyes aglow.

America heard footsteps, but they seemed rather ugly for a delicate and sparkly girl like Mary Sue Egg, whose tread was shiny. He turned around and found England staring at him.

"What are you doing here?" England said oddly. "I thought you said you didn't want to see me again."

America had said that, but now he was beginning to wish he hadn't acted so sexily. "Mary Sue Egg asked to meet me here." As he gazed at England, his arm began to throb magically.

"Oh," England said, suggestively. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," America said and caught England by his face. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," England said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, like a purple unicorn that needs to take a dump.

From behind a taco, Mary Sue Egg watched with an iridescent light in her purple eyes. She took a list out of her pocket, and checked off "America/England". Then, she skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as she'd saved the turtle from extinction.

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An Egg In Time

On a buttery and sparkly morning, America sat between Hurngary's boobs. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His face ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect England to love someone with a mexican leg?

Magically, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a purple ugly taco, all on a summer's day. I wish my England would lick me, in his own iridecent way..."

"Do you?" England sat down beside America and put his hand on America's arm. "I think that could be arranged."

America gasped sexily. "But what about my mexican leg?"

"I like it," England said oddly. "I think it's orange."

They came together and their kiss was like a purple unicorn that needs to take a dump.

"I love you," America said weridly.

"I love you too," England replied and licked him.

They bought a turtle, moved in together, and lived suggestively ever after.

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The Turtle Prince

America was walking through a purple meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied an orange little turtle lying under a tree.

America skipped over to see the dear thing and was iridecent to find that he was hurt! A waffle had pierced his shiny little arm and he whimpered suggestively with the pain.

"My sparkly little friend," America said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the waffle, as magically as he could. The turtle cried out and America's heart ached, like a purple unicorn that needs to take a dump. "You'll be all right," America whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you England and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping England up in his arms, America carried him home and made a bed for him beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, America nursed England, cleaning his arm and feeding him Taco-brand turtle chow.

On the eighth night, England climbed into bed with America. He burrowed under the covers and weridly licked America's leg. It made America giggle and he cuddled close to England, stroking his face and singing sexily to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, America hurried home so he could curl up with England. It gave him a mexican feeling whenever England licked his leg.

Then one night, England looked up at America and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a magical prince."

America screamed oddly, he was so surprised. How could a turtle talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," England said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," America said and kissed England on his face. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a magical prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince England," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" America said.

"See?" England said and showed America the scar from the waffle on his arm. Then he kissed America and they tumbled between Hurngary's boobs and did a lot of very buttery things, some of them involving an ugly egg.

"I love you," England said when they were done. America clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure England had stashed away.

And if England didn't know about America's visits to the turtle sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.